As I write this I am experiencing a state I never have before. It's a sort of calm, a peace of mind; but those explanations miss the mark. In fact, I tried putting it into words as I wrote in my journal today, but nothing I could come up with did it justice. Of course, there is a part of me that wants to return to worrying, a part that is trying to come up with imaginary present or future crises, but I just return attention to my breath and the state returns.
And I think that's one of the catalysts of this state of being I've come across; that is, continually returning attention to my breath throughout the day, especially when my mind begins to spiral. My default, at least since the navy, has been to think ahead and do what I can to prepare for contingencies. This trait has been extremely valuable over the years; though I have to admit that I've not been able (or have even bothered) to reign it in much, and so it has also been a significant source of anxiety.
Lately I have been attempting to do some, you might say, inner pruning. For example, I've been identifying worries that I have no business worrying about, things that I have little or no control over, and then I will practice letting them go. I find it helps to actually realize the futility of the worry and then combine that with the process of letting go; namely, giving up the desire for control and returning attention to the breath. It's a daily, likely life-long, practice but it seems to have been fruitful so far.
Also, as I sit with and observe this new state, time seems to be passing slightly faster. I suppose it may be because my attention is occupied by something intriguing, especially something novel and, again, inexplicable. And the fact that it's a state of being, something originating from within, which feels calm, peaceful, and even strong, has me sitting here in awe.
Maybe I am healing. Maybe this is growth. Maybe I've unearthed some latent potential. Or, maybe it's a gift. Whatever the case, I am simply grateful for the experience. I will refrain from becoming attached, I will maintain my daily meditative practices, and I will continue the work of letting go of pointless concerns.